Mummy Raider   D

Year Released: 2002
MPAA Rating: Unrated
Director: Brian Paulin
Writer: Bruce G. Hallenbeck
Cast: Misty Mundae, Darian Caine, Esmerelda DeLarocca.

Aspiring filmmakers could learn a thing or two from Mummy Raider, a supposedly "erotic" spoof of Tomb Raider and The Mummy. They could learn that if they want to make a quick buck, get their movie out to an audience, have it sold at places like Best Buy, Amazon.com, and other retailers, they just need to rip off the latest Hollywood blockbuster for what will pass as a plot, come up with a clever title, and hire girls willing to get naked and engage in lesbian sex. It's that simple.

In Mummy Raider, an evil Nazi by the name of Dr. Humboldt (Esmerelda DeLarocca) has kidnapped a professor and his daughter Kristen (Darian Caine) in hopes of attaining a secret that will bring an ancient mummy back to life. Now why would the diabolical doctor want to do that? Well, because the mummy holds wisdom that will guide her in building a Forth Reich. Misty Mundae, Mummy Raider, however, is hot on the doctor's trail and, rest assured, she likes to get naked.

After enduring a few dreadful minutes of Esmerelda DeLarocca doing the worst German accent you've ever heard and torturing Darian Caine by fondling her breasts, Misty Mundae finally enters the picture and loses her top almost immediately. After all, there's nothing to distract a pair of gun-toting thugs like a nice set of breasts, right? So, therefore, Misty does most of her poorly choreographed ass-kicking topless.

After destroying the reanimated mummy and sending pops on his way, Misty Mundae and Kristen tie Dr. Humboldt to a chair and force her to watch them engaging in a little lesbian love. "Here's a lesson for you, doc," Misty says. "Make love, not war." Ridiculous dialogue aside, now we're getting somewhere. Why it took so long to get here, I'm not sure. Misty Mundae and Darian Caine make out, get fully naked, and roll around on the mattress that happens to be laid out for them. Dr. Humboldt gets kinda antsy, so the two girls invite her to join them.

It's just too bad the three-way lesbian sex scene isn't all that erotic. Sure, you get your full-frontal nudity and bullshit posturing, but it's obvious that these girls are just going through the motions to get a quick paycheck. There's some decent girl-girl kissing on display, but for those of you looking for your softcore lesbian porn fix, I'd suggest looking elsewhere. If you're into Misty Mundae and Darian Caine, Seduction Cinema's Play-Mate of the Apes has more bang for your buck if you ask me.

Did I mention that Mummy Raider is only 45 minutes long?

Uh-huh. But on the video and DVD, Seduction Cinema was kind enough to throw in a short film called "Misty's First Female Lover," starring Misty Mundae and Esmerelda DeLarroca. Directed by William Hellfire, it's steamier than the main attraction, and it has a nasty, voyeuristic edge that might make you feel like taking a shower after watching it.

Mummy Raider, however, is a joke. And the joke is on us, since it's not the least bit funny, nor is it erotic. I've only seen a handful of Seduction Cinema releases and this one and The Sexy 6th Sense are among the worst, while The Erotic Witch Project and Play-Mate of the Apes are better attempts at mixing sophomoric comedy and hot lesbian action. But like I said, aspiring filmmakers can learn from this movie. Just find your lesbians and you'll be on your way. Knowing how to operate a digital video camcorder might come in handy, but I don't believe it's required.

Review published 05.01.2002.

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