Barely Legal Lesbian Vampires   F

Year Released: 2000
MPAA Rating: Not Rated
Director: Tim Swartz
Writer: Tim Swartz
Cast: Lolita Langsuir, Stephanie Bloode, Theda Baire, Circe, Daywalker, DiDi Delicious, Tim Swartz, Mr. Creepo.

How can a movie possibly live up to a title like that? Well, it can't. But I'll tell you this much: Barely Legal Lesbian Vampires is so bad it would make Ed Wood cringe in embarrassment. Bad movie lovers take note -- this one's all that and bag of stale, yucky chips. This homegrown shot-on-video cheapie opens with a vampire-cloaked Mr. Creepo (aka Tim Beckley, who also executive-produced) wandering into a cemetery in search of the spirit of his long-lost uncle, Ed Wood. That's right, it seems that Mr. Creepo's latest production has run into a few problems -- like fangs falling out and an actress hurting her toe -- and he seeks advice from the granddaddy of bad movies. But just between you and me, this one makes Plan 9 From Outer Space look Oscar-worthy.

Once the movie's real storyline kicks into gear, we're treated the obligatory candlelit softcore lesbian sex scene with moaning that was obviously dubbed in during post. After that, the two partners have a fight and Lesbian #1 screams, "I never want to see you again!" She storms off into the streets of New York and meets a freaky vampire chick named Carmilla who always speaks of herself in the third person ("Carmilla has waited a long time for her pretty one"). Carmilla takes her back to the vampire dungeon, where she will try to turn her into another one of the undead. So now then. Will Lesbian #1 be turned into a vampire against her will? Or will Muffy the Vampire Slayer (no, I'm not kidding) and Lesbian #2 find her in time to save her?

If only it could have been as fun as it sounds. The truth is, Barely Legal Lesbian Vampires might appeal more to those with a taste for gothic fetish material than those looking for an enjoyable B-movie. There are scenes of spanking, two lesbian vamps showering together in blood, and there's even a gimp. The "plot" buried beneath these scenes is almost enjoyable in a God-this-is-really-bad kinda way, but one word sums up most of this movie: ugh.

DiDi Delicious of New York punk band Shove It has a brief role as an "evil hooker," contributing to the film's unbelievably bad acting, which may provide a few chuckles here and there. Bad movie aficionados (or masochists), your collection isn't complete without Barely Legal Lesbian Vampires.

Review published 05.19.2000.

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